If you are having trouble thinking of a gift for someone this holiday season, consider The Imbible. Why? Silly question:

1. It’s got 100 drinking games. Literally. Not 100 variations, but 100 completely different drinking games (although some admittedly blend together after beer 11 or 12, but then again so do movies, songs and genders).
2. Drunk eating will remove the hassle of fitting eight pans of leftover stuffing into the fridge.
3. Intoxicated candor will leave no doubt in anyone’s mind how you feel about them, thus avoiding painfully fake smiles for years to come.
4. Aforementioned intoxication will allow you to deny you ever said anything if you choose to continue the fake smiling.
5. No need to worry about the eggnog going bad; it’ll be gone before the final relative passes out.
6. It finally lets us in on the secret of what sexual position the people of the Renaissance most preferred.
7. It is easy to wrap, and even easier to tape to the top of a 24-pack.

“This year, give a present they will thank you for all night, and hate you for in the morning.” (copyright, Alex Bash 2008)

Merry Christmas,
A Bash

At some point in my life, I want to be able to yell “How long til it gets here?!” and have someone shout back an incredibly short amount of time, like, “Forty seconds!” and then be able to rationally respond, “That’s not fast enough!!!” because I am doing something so important it can’t wait less than a minute.

You know a corporation is doing well when its ads stop promoting their products and start telling you how green their factories are.

I sort of wish Godzilla would attack my city, just to see if I could survive doing all the things I always shout at the TV.

When regarding recreational spending, especially in times like these, it is important to calculate how many hours of entertainment you are getting per dollar. $10 for a 2-hour movie? $5/hour. $20 for 2 hours at happy hour with the boys? $10/hour. You get it.

It is this kind of calculation that has me wondering why people don’t buy more books. A brand new paperback runs about $15 and provides, depending on your reading speed, 10-20 hours of entertainment, sometimes more. If you buy used or from Amazon, it can be even cheaper. I bought five used books today for less than $20 after tax. That should provide about 100 hours of entertainment. You do the math.

Moreover, once we’ve finished the book, it stays with us both physically and mentally. As

Jason Pinter said, “If you buy a non-fiction book, you'll give the reader knowledge. Entertainment. A glimpse into history, or possibly the future. You'll give them something to talk about long after the last page is turned. Does a sweater do that? I think not.”

And that’s not even including the fact that, depending on how obscure the book is, you’ll be able to quote it as your own without anyone knowing.

Go buy a book.

I'm assuming no one is too surprised to learn that God hates prohibitionists?

Good.

I'm also assuming that the rage you've always felt towards them now feels justified? Even warranted? Encouraged?

Excellent.

I'm also just going to go ahead and assume you'd like to hear the true story about the invention of brain surgery, how dice came to have six sides, why the Burnt City was never rebuilt, and why Satan's pitchfork has three prongs?

Super.

Continue on, brave soul...

I miss playing with Legos more than is reasonable.

Why is a baby being born called a miracle if it’s happened over a hundred billion times?

To get a driver’s license, you need to be a certain age and pass a test. To own a gun, you have to be a certain age and pass a background check. To FISH, you need a license. But, to have a child—to bring another life into the world that is your sole responsibility—you don’t have to prove anything? You can be any age, be a complete fuck-up, yet you can have a kid? The hell is up with that?!

When does something become a “medical mystery” as opposed to an annoying condition that takes a long time to diagnose?

…And alcoholics.

This weekend I attended my first Word Stock festival in Portland, OR. To celebrate the occasion, I brought a Gatorade bottle full of spiced rum and diet rock star (naturally), and sipped on it as I made the rounds.

I couldn’t help but feel that mild buzz of excitement that comes from “sneaking” something in, but it was killed when the first thing I saw upon entering was: a bar. At a book festival. At 10AM. It appears I am not alone.

Not only was I one of the many book lovers with alcohol coursing through their veins, but I also wasn’t the only one who had snuck booze in to the festival in disguise.

Apparently I am not the only one who disguises their booze.

Alcohol aside, the festival was awesome, there was something like 200 booths, dozens of speakers who are way cooler than I am, and this place that made totally bomb burritos.

Needless to say, I shall be attending next year. This time with two Gatorade bottles.

Over the last week I’ve been posting some (hopefully) funny ruminations of mine over at Aaron Karo’s Ruminations.com. Here are some of the more popular ones:

"This Halloween I didn’t go out in a costume, but instead stayed home and got drunk. When kids came by trick-or-treating and asked where my costume was and why I was leaning to the left, I told them I was the New York Times. They didn’t get it."

"If your girlfriend cheats on you with another girl, it is not called cheating. It is called awesome."

"If there was ever a chance that intelligent beings from outer space wanted to contact us, Youtube comments have ruined it."

"Jack Daniel's should include directions to the nearest hospital, jail and morgue with every bottle."

"Just because it’s a quick email doesn’t mean you can neglect basic grammar and punctuation. And for Christ’s sake capitalize the i in I’ll!"

"When trying to pickup girls at a bar, don’t be mysterious; this isn’t a movie and you don’t look enough like Brad Pitt."

"What’s sadder: the fact that I consider a night out a success if I wake up with no major injuries and bar tab under $200, or that my friends high-five me for it?"

"Having a slow internet connection is like watching a movie on TV. You get advertising breaks every now and then, but online they come from the pantry during slow load times."

"According to a CNN exit poll, 42 percent of voters said that the nation's financial woes had finally become frightening enough to eclipse such concerns as gay marriage, while 30 percent said that the relentless body count in Iraq was at last harrowing enough to outweigh long ideological debates over abortion. In addition, 28 percent of voters were reportedly too busy paying off medial bills, desperately trying not to lose their homes, or watching their futures disappear to dismiss Obama any longer."

Cheers to America,
The Onion

I was going to make up my own drinking game for this historical day, but after Googling election day drinking game and getting 348,000 hits…just pick one, and try not to make too many cheesy jokes about getting totally “Wolf Blitzed.”

Go {insert your candidate here}!!!

- A Bash

For the first time since The Imbible hit shelves way back in August of 2008, I am proud to present to you two reviews not written by frat guys who feel obligated to tell you how awesome it is.

The first comes to us all the way from my Alma Mater, The University of Washington: read it right... here.

The second comes from The Michigan Journal: Check it.

If you work for a college newspaper, email me and I'll send you a copy to review.

Happy Halloween, I love you all.

A Bash

The third article on my humor column, The Alcoholic Medium, has been posted on Points in Case.

Here’s the opening paragraph:

To truly understand where we are going as partiers, we must understand from where we have come. We must enlighten ourselves with tales of belligerence from the past. We must study the ways of great drinkers before us, for if we do, we very well may be able to avoid having to pay the gaggle of coked-out Swedish midgets $3K to hide the body and lie to the media.

The second article on my humor column, The Alcoholic Medium, has been posted on Points in Case.

Here’s a short excerpt:

6. Attempting to make (un)wise investments:

Dad: Hello?
Alex: Hi Dad; could you buy me some stock in Anheuser-Busch?
Dad: The markets are closed.
Alex: I'll pay you back.
Dad: No, Alex, listen, the—wait, why do you want to buy Anheuser-Busch stock?
Alex: Well, judging by the size of my friends' and my bar tabs, you're going to want to buy some too.
Dad: (sighs)
Alex: Do you think shareholders can opt to receive dividends in the form of Bud Light?

Time to add one more link to your browser's "favorites" tab.

I now officially have a weekly humor column, called The Alcoholic Medium, described as "A drunk, R-rated version of Chicken Soup for the Soul from the intoxicating and irreverent mind of a professional frat guy." It will be posted every Wednesday night on Points In Case.com.

My first article is titled "Drunken Drive Thrus" and at one point uses the phrase "transgender midgets."

Over the last few months I’ve been writing humor articles for the online publication Points in Case. They’ve gotten very good responses, averaging a 4.8 out of 5 rating, and received only a handful of bitter comments from people who hate themselves.

This week will be the debut of my weekly column on Points in Case, aptly titled “The Alcoholic Medium.” Until then, here are all my old articles:

Seven Epic Drunk Dials

Posted June 16th, 2008

Throughout my feebly short life I've had entirely too much experience drunk dialing. I don’t know what it is about me that makes the idea of ex-girlfriends, Jack-in-the-Box and old hook-ups so enticing at three o’clock in the morning, but even on nights when I tell myself over and over again not to call anyone, when it comes time to either hit the sack or party on, my hand dives into my pocket, flips open my phone, and dials away.

Read More

111 Rules of Bar Crashing

Posted June 23rd, 2008

Like a wedding, a bar is a gathering of people - some family, some friends - all coming together to get drunk and celebrate something that few people really care about. The underlying cause of going to weddings and bars is the same: get drunk, get laid, meet tons of people you'll never call, and look back at your youth and think, "Damn...I really should have wrapped it up."

Read More

Famous Moments in Alcohol: The Titanic Tragedy

Posted June 30th, 2008

To truly understand where we are going as partiers, we must understand where we have come from. We must enlighten ourselves with tales of belligerence from the past. We must study the ways of great drinkers before us, for if we do, we may realize that although having a gigantic anchor full of booze may sound like a cool idea, we probably shouldn't use it while crossing the Atlantic Ocean.

Read More

Post-Party Morning After Acronyms

Posted July 9th, 2008

Loud noises, bright lights, and Chingy are just about the worst three things you want to deal with the morning after a rager. Fourth, however, is too many fucking syllables. It seems like after each party night, people have the exact same conversations about girls, drinking, and why their hair tastes like spermicide. So why not shorten them up so we can get back to cringing at our text messages?

Read More

Party Barge: The True Story of Noah's Ark

Posted July 21st, 2008

The tale of Noah's Ark is as widely known as a story that includes the destruction of all mankind and a 135-meter boat filled with animal poo. But, like most ancient chronicles of history, its merits are under scrutiny.

Read More

How to Use Your Brain to Get Laid (The Cerebellum)

Posted August 6th, 2008

In Latin, "cerebellum" means "little brain," but seeing as though something as small as the tip of your dick is more or less the source of all pleasure in the world, being "little" doesn't mean a whole lot.

Read More

Alcohol-Induced Honesty

Posted September 9th, 2008

Everyone lies. Whether it's cheating or stealing or filling your water cup with Mountain Dew and giggling stupidly in the corner of Taco Bell, everybody lies.

Except while drunk.

Read More

I'm Here for the Gang Bang

Posted October 2nd, 2008

It was Halloween, and TheAntelope could not be more excited. Every costume imaginable was there with the word "slutty" in front of it. Nurse? Slutty nurse. Fireman? Slutty fireman. Slut? Slutty slut. Hundreds of people thrilled that they finally had an excuse to dress like a whore and get away with it. Sluts were everywhere.

Including the laundry room.

Read More

I can sum up everything I live for in six words, all beginning with the letter “I.”

Innovation
Intoxication
Imagination
Intellectualism
Irreverence
Inappropriateness

Maybe I’m just selfish.

I have signed and mailed about fifty books over the last week, and have decided that your signature begins to spiral out of control and completely illegible after roughly number twenty-three, and even earlier if you also have to fill out the envelopes the books will be traveling in.

I just realized I am jealous that a book can travel anywhere in the continental United States for only $2.33.

I took a dump today while wearing a weight belt. It was weird, but did I worry about throwing out my back while squeezing? I think not.

My “To-Read” pile has grown so big that I bought a second bookshelf. I don’t have room for a second bookshelf. I hardly have room for a book, let alone a series of shelves. I’m considering adopting a cocaine habit and only sleeping four nights a week. You know you love reading when…

Because buying beer is partly literary research for me, I get to write off a portion of its expenses on my taxes. What pisses me off is that I don’t get to write off all the other things that inevitably come with beer, such as the post-party Gatorade, the various two-liters of mixer/chaser, the 4am Taco Ball drive through, or the hooker, lawyer, and court fees.

I’ve used the warranty on my voice recorder three times already. All were from dropping it into drinks.

Having my book on the shelf at Barnes & Noble next to Dave Barry is the greatest honor I have ever received. Thanks for the last name, Dad. And the life, and stuff.

September 25th, 2008

CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a study released earlier this week, social scientists from Harvard University found that when healthy individuals between the ages of eighteen and thirty-two read more than three chapters of The Imbible they “laughed their fucking asses off.”

“I couldn’t believe it,” remarked Jeffery Gaia, MD, MS, who has spent his life studying every company’s ideal marketing demographic. “It seemed like the laughing never fucking stopped.”

But Michael Stayton, PhD, who consulted on the project, didn’t share his surprise.

“In my experience,” began the world renowned scientist responsible for the discovery of several hard-to-pronounce terms frequently highlighted in college textbooks, “when you give young people a book like The Imbible, it is nearly impossible for them to not create lifelong memories filled with laughter and enjoyment, regardless of whether or not their blood alcohol content is reaching catatonic levels.”

Gaia and his team spent months pouring over mounds of data. Their analysis included measuring test subjects' laughs per page (3.47), drinks per minute (1.09), and how many times per hour someone exclaimed “Holy schnitzegiggle, I am balls-deep in Ms. Drunkenness” (42.713).

But the team also studied a controversial data point, namely, how long it took male subjects to ejaculate after a series of drinking games.

“At first, the ejaculatory study was going well; with a nice buzz, men could jam hole as long as they wanted,” said Dr. Steven Jobs, ChB, who has no relation to the Apple founder and CEO and would appreciate you not making lame fucking jokes about it all the god damn time. “But after a fourth round of the card game Drunken Pirates, two of the three subjects couldn’t even blow their load all over the female’s chest as she simultaneously experienced a volcanic orgasm of cataclysmic proportions.”

Added Jobs, “It was very disheartening.”

But Jobs’ tone may have been different had he known that on the other side of the globe, in a completely unrelated study, a team of highly-distinguished geneticists were also conducting tests on The Imbible.

“What drew us to The Imbible,” said Dr. Huang Jio, speaking from his 15,000 square foot lab complete with beakers, graduated cylinders, crazy-ass tubes and other sciencey shit, “was how it managed to be both hilarious, as well as get everyone involved totally fucking shit-canned.”

What Jio and his group of ridiculously smart scientist friends aimed to discover was how simple words on paper -- without digital enhancement or the help of Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen -- were able to make people have such an incredibly awesome time that they ran out of synonyms to describe it.

Jio used subjects from thirty-two countries to try to find a common link. He spent weeks working alongside some of the world’s most difficult-to-pronounce names, searching for a specific gene or chemical may have been injected into The Imbible to could give it such powers. Jio believed, quite ominously, that the chemical could contain as many as six syllables.

Nonetheless, he pushed forward, and just over a month later, he emerged from the lab, triumphant.

With his hair long and his stereotypical white doctor coat dirty and disheveled, he announced the results:

“Scientists, doctors, and members of the consumer group every publishing house dreams about capturing...after weeks of intense study and investigation, my team and I have concluded that the reason The Imbible is able to make anyone who reads it laugh obnoxiously loud and get completely fat-chick-fucking-drunk is because…well, because it’s a humor book about drinking games you fucking ‘tards – how would it not make you laugh and drink?”

Moved by his speech, members of the target demographic CEOs have wet dreams about broke into raucous applause, calling the results “spellbinding” and “totally obvious, but what the fuck do I care, I’m about to be so tanked on C-Mo’s I’d fuck my Corolla’s tailpipe.”

President Bush praised both Gaia and Jio, calling their in-depth looks into The Imbible “touching,” “awe-inspiring,” and “turn that camera off, I’m about to get fucking obliterated up in this bitch.”

Even the Dalai Lama, who is not especially known for heavy drinking and breaking furniture, played every game in the “Coin Games” section of The Imbible, and then began shattering vases with his walking stick. Advised his Holiness, “In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher…so watch how he bounces his quarter and then double-stack his bitch ass.”

By the end of the ceremony, even the notoriously stoic Jio couldn’t help but get little teary-eyed.

“It’s just, it’s, just, it’s just so…right,” he said, wiping an alcohol-filled tear from his cheek and chasing it with a spiked can of Red Bull. “It’s the perfect balance of science and humanism, somehow put into words and combined with r-rated humor about drinking and sex.”

Theologists are already considering amending the bible to include the phrase “And God said let there be awesomeness, and The Imbible was born.”

Everyone lies. Whether it's cheating or stealing or filling your water cup with Mountain Dew and giggling stupidly in the corner of Taco Bell, everybody lies.

Except while drunk.

This is the beauty of alcohol. It makes people honest, and don't you dare say "brutally" honest, because there is no such thing. Sometimes honesty is brutal, but in the end, it is simply the truth, no matter how much hurts, or how much puke you get on your shoes.

Here are some conversations that people would have in everyday life if daytime drinking wasn't so heavily looked down upon.

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself, Greg.
Greg: Well, I graduated from the school in my state with the highest ranking based off US News & World Report. I cheated in every class that used Scantrons and used my fraternity's test files for essays and midterms. I'd say in total I avoided over 1000 hours of studying.
Interviewer: Very impressive. Now, lie to my face about why you want to work here.
Greg: Happily. I feel that your company's mission statement is in line with my values and work experience, and I am excited about the product line.
Interviewer: And now the truth.
Greg: $80K + Bonus.
Interviewer: Word. Now, what can you bring to the company that others could not?
Greg: Well, since I graduated high school I have successfully taken the virginity of more than 15 girls, talked my way into over 70 parties at which I was not on the guest list, and become a regular at three bars...before I turned 21.
Interviewer: You're going to break our sales record.
Greg: And bang your secretary.

________________________________________

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Student: Because I have Greek letters on my car?
Cop: And you have a license plate banner from a more prestigious university than mine.
Student: Oh yeah, how could I forget?!
Cop: So, I'm going to pretend I think that you're drunk and make you get out of the car and conduct embarrassing tests in hopes of getting you so frustrated that you verbally lash out and give me reason to arrest you.
Student: I have an incredible desire to make a sarcastic comment about how I'm glad my tax payer dollars are going to a good cause, but I will refrain because Ryan's having that sick house party tonight and I don't want to miss it.
Cop: Fine, but at least let me stare at you questionably so that you plead your innocence in a slightly demeaning way.
Student: Fair enough. Now, please get back to arresting 20-year-olds for drinking beer and disregarding the growing murder rate.
Cop: Happily!

________________________________________

Confused Girl: I do believe I am still drunk from last night.
Confused Guy: I do believe I am still wearing the condom from last night.
Confused Girl: Good thing I have a boyfriend and am therefore on birth control, because the condom obviously broke.
Confused Guy: I guess that's how I was able to blow it on your chest.
Confused Girl: That would explain the toilet paper.
Confused Guy: I'm glad you're not ugly, like most of the girls I wake up with.
Confused Girl: I'm glad you're obviously not smart enough to go to the same school as me, so there's very little chance anyone will ever find out about this.
Confused Guy: I've never had to lie more about knowing what someone was talking about than last night.
Confused Girl: I was just glad to have a blank canvas on which to splatter my radical idealism.
Confused Guy: You should leave now.
Confused Girl: You should fall back asleep and forget what I look like.
Confused Guy: Deal.

________________________________________

Brad: I had sex with a slutty girl last night without a condom when I was drunk and now my penis itches. Do you have any ambiguous advice you would like to offer based on your obvious minimal experience with sexually transmitted diseases?
Matt: Would you like me to be honest and rational or do you want to continue being sexually promiscuous while consistently blocking out the thought of unavoidable painful urination?
Brad: I like sex.
Matt: You're fine; stop being paranoid.

________________________________________

John: Hi, my name is Recently-Pressed Collared Button-Down with Silver Hoop Earrings.
Rachel: It's nice to meet you; I'm Overly Crimped Red Head With Incredible Cleavage. I hope you don't mind if I never turn my back to you.
John: Yes, the cleavage is actually what caught my eye. It's definitely a positive considering your lack of posterior voluptuousness.
Rachel: Your potential attractiveness has sparked my interest, but I'm going to need at least three more shots if you plan on taking me home. Also, I have a boyfriend, so if we could keep our conversation full of surface level superficiality that'd be great.
John: Thank you for not informing me of the boyfriend you obviously have. I would like to now buy you enough alcohol to get you tipsy and comfortable, but not so drunk that I feel creepy for taking advantage of a drunk girl.
Rachel: I like tequila.

________________________________________

Joe: Hi Amanda, your ass looks exceptionally fuckable today.
Amanda: I think you're a douchebag Joe, but your blunt honesty and obvious sexual prowess could definitely earn you a handjob.
Joe: No thanks, I'd rather jackoff to YouPorn.
Amanda: Suit yourself; give me a call though if you strike out at the bars.
Joe: Will do; now if you don't mind, I'm going to pretend to talk on the phone while I stare at your ass as you walk away.
Amanda: I wouldn't wear this tight of jeans if I didn't want you to.

Bernard Baruch once observed "Millions saw the apple fall, but Newton was the one who asked why." I’d like to think this post has somehow related to that. Also, how fucking big must that tree have been for millions to see the apple fall? And how big was the apple?! Screw it – I’m writing The Newton Code. NYT best-seller list here I come…

But, until Robert Langdon finds out the secret behind the falling manzana, let’s all try to be honest and say what we really mean, which we all know is much easier after a double-shot of Jack.

Can’t bring yourself to down the dark fire before noon? Pick up a copy of The Imbible. It always seems to make people a little more, well, truthful. Off-balance, mildly retarded, and truthful.

Praise for The Imbible

Sample Games

7 Ate 9

Anchorman

Beer Roulette

Chumbawumba

Drown the Clown

For a full table of contents click here.

Why you should buy The Imbible

Links That Are Totally Fucking Awesome

Points in Case
College Humor
Dave Barry
The Leveraged Sellout
Maddox
Jason Pinter
The Imbible's Australian Site
Tucker Max
The Onion
Aaron Karo
Verizon Wireless (anything to help bring down the inhumane vat of wretched terror and hopelessness that is T-Mobile)
Valley Wag
The Phat Phree
Real Beer
Dictionary.com (Please consult this site before you email me. Thesaurus.com couldn't hurt either.)
iDrink